Forgiveness on (Holiday) Deadline

There are several dozen cultural and religious holidays that take place from roughly the end of October through January. In addition, many, if not most, cultures close out and begin new years during that time frame. It’s a season of much expected celebration, gathering and socializing. It’s also one of the most difficult to navigate when a familial, romantic or social connection is strained.

While this certainly happens with other life events like weddings, the arrival of a new child, or an accident, the events of this time of year offer annual cover for those who seek to put a deadline on the restoration of the previous status quo.

When it comes to the holiday and end of year cultural celebrations, these events can be leveraged by transgressors as pressure on someone who has been offended to let go of any complaints, grievances, rancor or resentments without any amends or apologies having been made.

Who among us hasn’t experienced being told we have to let something go because “it’s Christmas,” “a new year is starting, let’s move on” or “everyone wants us to stop fighting before <event>” even when the transgressor has not actually apologized, taken responsibility or made amends?

A genuine attempt at amends and accountability cannot and does not include a deadline. Especially not an arbitrary one. Absolutely not when it’s set by the transgressor.

It’s worth being wary of the offer of “just get through X quietly and you can be mad later” détentes. In my experience, on the other side of such temporary truces and a peaceful gathering, the transgressor tends to be surprised at the return of ill feelings because you navigated an event together and will use the peaceful gathering as justification for “just letting it go” because you appeared to be over it.

The passage of time is not amends. It’s not an apology. It’s not an obligation to return to the previous status quo if that no longer works for you.

You do not owe anyone a meeting, attention, forgiveness, reconciliation, a second chance or anything else simply because it is almost a holiday.

Using a holiday as an arbitrary deadline for interpersonal relationships is manipulation and not a sincere attempt at reconciliation. It’s pressuring the person who’s been wronged to set aside their own needs for the sake of everyone else’s comfort and convenience.

This is not actual resolution to the conflict nor is it justice.

This pressure can come from different directions. From the transgressor themselves or from people peripheral to the conflict.

Sometimes people become transgressors by intentional act but without forethought of consequences. They knew what they were doing but they didn’t think about what the impact of their actions were. Sometimes they know fully what they’re doing and they know what the outcome could be and they proceed nonetheless. Some people are serial transgressors and some are just experiencing that quirk of humanity that includes making mistakes from time to time. Sometimes people hurt us by accident. Without any intention. With true remorse. 

Every situation is different. But in none of these scenarios can true amends come based on the transgressor’s needs. That’s a consequence of causing harm. The transgressor does not get to dictate if, how or when forgiveness happens. They can only try to earn it.

Forgiveness granted at the transgressor’s demand is not forgiveness. It’s further harm.

That harm is compounded when people on the periphery would prefer the disruption ends regardless of amends for the sake of returning to the former status quo. People are quite prone to pretending that a lack of overt discontent is the same as harmony.

This time of year is particularly weaponizable when upcoming gatherings are looming and people adjacent to the conflict grow concerned about how it will impact those gatherings. 

Many, if not most, people are uncomfortable with tension. It’s not difficult for them to participate in pressure, even with good intentions, because they specifically want to peace or because the transgressor is leveraging everyone else’s discomfort to get them to contribute to the pressure being applied to the offended party.

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Is it appropriate to use holidays or cultural events with personal significance to reflect on grievances and transgressions and deciding which, if any, merit letting go? Absolutely and many people do. We can hold that reflection ourself, by our own choice and make our decisions for ourselves with whatever consultation with others we see fit to seek out. However, attempting to require others to do so is overstepping. 

To whatever extent you desire to grant forgiveness, to move on, to let go, do so. But do it when you are ready and when you feel it will make you whole. Not because it’s what’s most convenient and comfortable for everyone else.

If you need to set boundaries on what you will or wont participate in this holiday season, you should do so.

You are not responsible for keeping the peace, not rocking the boat, accepting that’s just how the other person is, being the bigger person, avoiding the false label of “spiteful,” “petty,” “selfish” or any other word used to emotionally blackmail you into compliance. It’s not your responsibility to let other people move past the harm they’ve caused you without any consequences. It’s not your fault if people are unhappy because you won’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not. You don’t have to offer continued access to yourself despite how someone has treated you just because it would be easier on everyone else for you to do so.

As you begin to figure out what the end of this year will look like for you, remember, you are justified in protecting your peace and you are not responsible for granting it to those who have not earned your forgiveness.